CRREYNOLDS.com

choices

no pic again...sorry. it seems that the most time consuming aspect of posting is usually the photos. i really do like pictures, though...so i'll try to be more diligent.

i was thinking about choices today. it may seem like a cliche, but much of what determines our reality is nothing more than a series of choices. we choose to be happy, or not. we make choices to remember to write in our journal or web site (or not). we choose to feel anger, or to act on it. we choose to define our self-worth by an external standard: be it others opinions, our scholastic performance, or any one of many things. a very wise man once told me: the only thing you arent free to do is not to choose.

i have been choosing to remind myself to be mindful; to remember my breathing; to sit; to look within.

i was reading about how rastafarians alter the jamaican patois language so as to accentuate positive vibrations, and use wordsounds as a holy tool (apparently, a rather common philosophy amongst various african societies). they will change words in context to give the connotation a positive, such as: instead of "understand", they might say "overstand", and they consider some "angry" words to be curses. interesting, i thought.

check aht di site, natty dread: http://debae.uvm.edu/dreadlibrary/sullivan.html

an interesting meditation: ask yourself "what am i choosing right now?"

a new begining?

i have been having more realizations. i have been being reminded how far i have let my life and myself slip. especially over the last couple of years. (god, it seems so scary to articulate it like that!) i have writen about it before, so i'll do it again: i have been neglecting paying attention to my life and to whats important. i was looking through old pictures and reading some of my old journal entries...i dont write anymore, except for school. i dont think it is an option to not do that anymore. i have to. i have to, or i think i will continue to suffer...

i think i have have been depressed for some time. not clinically, but more metaphysically. like Ray would say " a soul crisis". i'm not really sure why, but i know i do a lot to try to avoid coming to that realization. i really believe that a good portion of that state of functioning is due to my lack of diligence in taking the time to tend to myself...to paying attention. when i look back, i remember how much i hurt...but i also remember how REAL it felt, unlike now. i feel like i have been floating through a dream for some time...i am ready to stop. i hope.

i have noticed in the past, and have been noticing as of late, how when i start to feel this way (or at the very least: notice it), how my physical environment reflects it: things are disorganized (more so than usual). just look at the pic: things are all jumbled, unattended to...in boxes...

just an update

unfortunately, i have no picture to post along with this. i started school again on tuesday. i'm really kinda bummed. i cant seem to get past the amount of work in front of me, both this semester and beyond. maybe its a normal/common reaction. i ran into my contracts professor on the stairs the other day (he congratulated me on my grade, butu said he wasnt suprised!). he said its always hard to come back after a break and to "get your head out of your ass"! i couldnt agree more.

anyway, my schedule is basically the same...except i now have civil procedure in place of criminal law (though i have the same professor).

i find myself once again in the library, listening to the woosh of the air vents and watching the snow swirl outside.

once again: my (seemingly) "primary" home...

holy flippin' shit

WOW! i just got the last of my grades...and asyou can see, i did quite well! i know i was being a total pessimist after i got the first one almost a week ago, and i am sure some of you would like to stangle me for acting in such a way, but i do know that is how i tend to react to grading situations. i have done that for quite a long time. maybe it is a way of keeping myself humble, and/or it's may lack of confidence shining through... i dunno.

well, here it is: Contracts= A, Torts= B+, Property= B+, Criminal= B+

i am still acutely interested in reviewing my exams to see what i did wrong. but right now: satisfied.

plumbing

last week wasnt the greatest. i was perseverating over my B+ in Property, and i realized i needed to replace the faucet in our bathroom (a first for me). well, as usually happens, a small project turns into a bigger one. the faucet was rusted onto the sink, and in a real shitty spot with not much room to maneuver. i broke the fittings and water supply lines off to get the job done. looks and WORKS better now! of course, now that the faucet is working, the drains go kaput. and not just in the sink, but the tub, too (see above pic).

HMMMMMMM...there is nothing like trying not to vomit while snaking a drain! anyway, with perseverence and some assistence from my little helper, the H2O is flowing away once again.

i was reading The Dhammapada again last night. i cant tell you how many times i have read it, or how many times i have had this realization: it is all too easy to lose focus and not be mindful of what or how you are doing. i have countless journal entries to this effect. i guess re-realizing is just part of the process, part of the ebb-flow of awareness at this stage (unenlightened/not-yet-fully-awake). the mind easily becomes mushy and clogged up when not tended to regularly (like my drain!). it's so easy to slip...

to quote a little known (from my experience) Bill Murray flick from the 80's, and one i highly recommend picking up sometime- The Razor's Edge: "It is easy to be a holy man on the top of a mountain. The path to salvation is as narrow and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge..."

i feel as though i'm babbling again. stream of consciousness, i guess. breathe. be aware.

B+

well, i got my first grade this morning. i got a B+ in property. this is a respectable grade, and in and of itself, i am happy with it. what i am not happy with, rather, what i am scared about, is what this means for the rest of my grades to come.

i got one of 6 A's on the practice exam we took in property in october. this was the one class i felt i was doing the best in and had the best grasp on. i thought i would get an A. what worries me is that if this class was the one i was MOST confident in, what does that mean for the other classes?

now, i know i am thinking/speaking more from my fear than from reason at this point. i know that there (at least from my perspective) is no practical way to predict how i did on ANY of the exams, mostly because we are graded on a MANDITORY curve (so our grades are in many ways determined by how well/worse everyone else did). i really thought i'd get an A and that would offset any shortcomings on other exams...

i'm babbling.

i think i'm realy just uncomfortable with not being sure of my abilities, what i know (or think i know), and with this thought i keep having that if i am not the absolute best i wont be able to get a good job, etc. and all of this will have been wasted and my life will then be miserable (hows that for putting some pressure on myself!).

i need to spend some time thinking about all of this, especially before classes start in a week and a half...