December 13, 2004
first snow
it snowed today. i sat on my ass in my dining room hunched over my torts outline, studying. this study period has been difficult for me. and not just the academic part. i keep finding myself getting so wound up and nervous all the time. all course work aside, i cant seem to stop heaping pressure on myself. there is always this subtle idea somewhere in the back of my awareness insisting i must do well. not that i dont want to do well, but i dont think my beating myself up with it is helping at all. not helping me, personally. not helping me really focus on learning all this shit.
i remember going through this my first semester in grad school: freaking out because i didnt know what i was doing and being generally uncomfortable not knowing. i fight feeling unsure and vulnerable so much.
December 12, 2004
studying
ive been studying my ass off. i have never had to study like this before in my life (i havent really had to STUDY before!)!! 1 final down, 3 to go...
i has a realization tonight: i re-realized exactly how EASY it is to lose your Self. i had a brief glimmer this evening of how much i have been absorbed in all this school shit, being (but actually 'feeling') nervous, catastophising, etc. being able to actually get some perspective on all this, even for just a moment, is good and refreshing.
its at times like this (when i noticehow much i HAVENT been tending to myself and the things that are important to me) that i notice how such simple realizations can make such profound differences in how your world and phenomenology appear to you!
sorry: i dont mean to get too heady... it is just nice to be in touch with myself again, even if just for a brief time...